


Wind Shear

by samidha



Series: Wind Shear 'verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Background Relationships, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sam Has Powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-26
Updated: 2012-05-26
Packaged: 2018-12-01 15:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11489121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/samidha
Summary: Written May 2012. Going through old fic. A small 'verse about S3-S4 hiatus for Sam.





	Wind Shear

Time stops meaning anything. Sam's driven steadily for almost a week in a twisting, haphazard line away from Pontiac. The only place Sam knows he's going is away from Dean (Dean's body), so what does it matter if it's Wednesday or Friday anymore? He leaves behind a string of empty motel rooms that he doesn't remember sleeping in. 

Sometimes he's sure that he must have stopped breathing, until he wakes up in some new nowhere, cradling a fifth, just before he hits the floor. The (gone gone gone gone) memories come flooding back. ( _Cutting Dean's shirt away in strips stiff with blood that covers Sam's hands. Dean's body in the bathtub, the water pooling red. Pulling the jeans on, grateful that only Dean's chest is in ribbons. Hands shaking while he pulls the shirt over Dean's head._ ) The alcohol doesn't touch them. It only drops into the dark where Dean used to be, where he can feel memories of his brother floating around like tattered bits of paper because there isn't enough of Sam to hold them together anymore.

Sam's body is there but all he feels is a cold wind knocking around inside of him now. Dean isn't there and Sam can't be there either. There's nothing left to anchor him inside.

Somewhere in Montana, Sam's feet drag on a pock-marked brown carpet and he slams into the wall between the door and an end-table and if Sam remembered how to laugh it would be funny but he hasn't laughed since (Dean) the drive to New Harmony. Just Sam and Dean and a false sense of security, a lie they told themselves to keep things okay _just a little longer_. Even that little lie, meant to sooth him, burns inside of him now.

Sam stares blearily at the wall in front of him, strangely smooth like there's absolutely nothing there and he feels the same inside. He drops the bottle he forgot was in his hand, registers it only when it hits the carpet with a clink. Sam can't feel his body and there's nothing left inside of it but maybe he still has his soul. Maybe he can still use that. There's only one place left to go now.

When the demon says no, Sam knows _why not_ even before he hears himself ask. His soul isn't worth anything. Sam is only a cold wind and the jagged ice it left behind.

When a pair of demons jump him back in his room, he thinks the joke is on them. He's never been more ready to go and he knows they won't get jack for him, not anymore.

He realizes one of them is Ruby and he _knows_ : The joke must be on Sam after all. But he doesn't have to look at her (he won't), he doesn't have to talk to her. He doesn't have to play the game.

She isn't here to help him save Dean and for a second when he knows that, too, he stops breathing again. He doesn't care why she's back. He's done with her.

Sam's done with everything.

He doesn't die, though. He knows he's failed Dean, _failed_ him and death would be too good for Sam Winchester now. Somehow he keeps drinking and he eats sometimes. The credit cards run dry and he can't get it together to replace them so when he remembers to he plays pool and he doesn't have to pretend to be as drunk as he is. He plays fine anyway and the food goes down like sand and Sam keeps breathing.

He isn't expecting Ruby to come back. She offers him a purpose he needs and a path to follow, and Sam can't argue. Sam's got nothing left to argue with anyway. He knows he won't fight her; not until she's touching him like she knows how hollow he is. The rage flares up again and this time it's an old friend, a shield. But Ruby just stays right in Sam's space while his stomach turns and when the anger fizzles out Sam is empty again. If he can fill the nothing with darkness then maybe he'll feel something again. Sam knows it's going to hurt. If he deserves anything, it's to hurt.

So Sam takes her.

Afterwards Sam thinks that really, he's more empty than he was before. He seeks in the dark pit where Dean used to be and there's nothing there at all. No memories, not a single one. Sam doesn't even remember what the memories should feel like, only that they're gone. It's what Sam deserves for not being able to hold on.

*~*~*

Ruby's there, for months, for _months_ , and Sam starts counting the days again because he hates every single one. That's a new pain, settled in the pit inside him now, but Sam turns his hate to anger and he _uses_ it. All the pain, all the headaches are worth the moment when he feels the essence of a demon break free of its host under his own power. The rush of emotion that comes is new, not connected to anything from Before (Sam doesn't have a before anymore) but somehow he recognizes it. _Pride_.

Sam feels warm, and the darkness inside is a living thing, a mass of energy that lives in him, responds to him. It's becoming him, and now Sam has something to be. He'll never be empty again.

When word starts to spread, more demons find Sam, like lambs ready for slaughter. They are intent on reaching the impossible. Sam knows they can't hurt him now. There are other people they can hurt but not him, and he always finds them. There's nowhere that they can hide.

*~*~*

Sam is back in Pontiac. He catches wind of demons, of Lilith, and he doesn't think of anything else as he takes a hard left and goes. Ruby meets him there and Sam is sure he'll be ready, he _is_ ready. Until something comes to his door wearing (Dean) his brother's face and Sam feels fear, he feels terror. An ache rises up from the dark pit that used to hold Dean and doesn't anymore and Sam knows there are things he needs to remember but it isn't enough to bring the memories back. Sam lets anger fill the hole instead. It's a trick, it's a ploy, it's because _he's ready_ and _they know_ and Sam burns with anger as he pulls the knife.

But that only lasts for seconds before Bobby's shouting that it's really him, it's _Dean_ and Sam can't... It can't be Dean, because Dean's _gone_ , Dean's gone from Sam's _soul_ and Sam can't get him back. This is worse than losing him in the first place. Dean's arms _(no)_ are firm around Sam _(no)_ but everything else that's _Dean_ is _gone_ and Sam can't ever-- None of that is for Sam anymore.

Sam doesn't remember who he used to be but he knows he'll never be that person, the one Dean knows (wants), again. He can only be this now, a conduit for power poised and ready to strike. 

Sam has found his path and there's nothing left to do but follow it.


End file.
